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In this series concluding post, I continue to look at a few ways in which we have allowed for an effeminate church state of affairs, and then propose some moderate steps of improvement.

Giving

My only point here is that, uncomfortable as it can feel and distasteful as it may seem, in my experience, most guys like us to level with them about money. They even feel honored when we go to them with a straight request to support a kingdom project.

Humility

Finally, our concept of humility needs to be a biblical and God-conscious one, derived from gospel faith, not cowardly inactivity. In the name of "humility," a lot of church men never allow their God-given masculine instincts any space whatsoever, imagining that their courage will be frowned upon.

Surely the best breeding ground for humility is not an atmosphere of legalistic self-evaluation, motive checking, and doubt. If you have fostered an environment that causes men to confuse their approval ratings by more "mature" men with an accurate measure of godliness, then good luck seeing them take a single risk for the kingdom. It is more humbling to try and fail than to "modestly" never try at all.

Again, counterintuitively, genuine humility is far more likely to thrive when men encourage rather than stifle one another, watching one another's backs (not so we get a better chance to stab them, but so we can protect them).

Women Want Biblical Masculinity

I'll end this with a word regarding the women. Ladies in our churches, young and old, are not as horrified by an emphasis on reaching men as one might expect. Ultimately our women don't want to be surrounded by a crowd of wusses or a bunch of bullies. Biblical masculinity is such a rare commodity that women are usually attracted to it rather than repulsed (though this may surprise them at first).

At a recent staff meeting we were discussing our need to become more intentional about focusing on men. Some way into the conversation, I turned to two highly competent players on our key staff, both female, and asked how they felt about this emphasis. They replied: "This is just the sort of emphasis we need." That is true. Let it become our strategy: reach and change the men, and you'll reach and change the culture.

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Discipling

To disciple guys like Jesus did, you have to be prepared to leave them. Jesus did it all the time. Although he was more forbearing than we can imagine, he also knew when he was wasting time and kept the bar pretty high. He didn't do the chasing, the disciples did.

This is a counterintuitive thing, and we have to be brave if we want to learn it, but men really need (and eventually want) to be stretched. If every parasite is coddled, the real men will either head for the door or become parasites too. I'm ashamed to say I make some leadership decisions safely, imagining I cannot ask the guys to follow me into something crazy. But what gives me that idea? Precedent does, that's all.

This is very important. Some guys won't follow us until they see we mean business, and they see this most vividly when others leave us, yet we don't back down in our commitment. This is why it is counterintuitive: by letting some people leave, you will cause others to join—others who would never have joined you otherwise (John 6:66-69).

A friend of mine, who coaches church planters, knew there were two guys in his group who were not showing the character or commitment he expected in a room of serious planters. He asked them both to not come back. This kind of thing makes us sad—especially for the wives of the guys in question—but there is no way these men would have been helped by pandering. They stand a better chance of making progress having been stood down, and meanwhile the rest of the group have shot forward in the training, having seen the bar go higher.

The lesson seems to be that if you're a coach, you will need to bench people now and then.

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Parenting

In the Bible, the responsibility for raising children to know God rests squarely at the feet of parents, especially the fathers (Deuteronomy 6:4-9; 20-23; Psalm 78:4; the book of Proverbs; Eph 6:4; Psalm 127:3-5). This puts the word ‘Pastor' before the name of every dad in your church. How are you training them in their calling?

Too many children grow up never having their dads open a Bible or pray with them. Even guys who would love to disciple their kids lack confidence, some being frightened of "ramming it down their throats," forgetting they have an enemy who has no scruples about what he rams there.

A lot of guys simply don't know what to do (including me a lot of the time), and so they do nothing. Then another generation of boys may grow up thinking that since Dad doesn't talk about Jesus at home, Jesus can't be so very important after all.

I suggest you deconstruct the idea that you, as leader, have it all sussed and instead, deliberately learn by prayer, listening, reading, trial and error, and repentance to pastor your own kids. Then talk about it—a lot—so that dads don't feel discouraged by your mythical example, but instead are well taught.

I have also told our dads to watch the danger of falling into either one of two gutters here. Some are great at hanging out and being friends with their sons and, in fact, some are brilliant. But that won't cover Ephesians 6:4 on its own—you need to instruct your kids too. Others are superb teachers of theology, but without relationship your instruction is not going to land where it should. I want a church where the dads excel at both, so the experts of each side need to help each other.

I'll finish this section with some words from John Piper in reference to a cigarette billboard with the slogan, Where a Man Belongs:

"To hell with such lies! Where a man belongs is on his knees beside his wife, leading in prayer. Where a man belongs is at the bedside of his children, leading in devotion and prayer. Where a man belongs is in the driver's seat, leading his family to the house of God. Where a man belongs is up early and alone with God, seeking vision and direction for the family. Men, I challenge you in the name of Jesus Christ our King, be where you belong!"

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Corporate Worship

Is it possible for men to come into a Sunday worship service and reflect: "Now this is a masculine environment?" I reckon it is, but you have to be intentional to get there. Some of our songs lend themselves to a masculine response, and they should be chosen over others. I'm talking about songs full of objective truth that help guys know what they're singing about.

As for songs that subjectively express our love or our longing for Jesus, well they are entirely biblical. Just beware of unbalance. A normal masculine man is going to be troubled by his first visit to church (even if he got saved at Alpha), if it consists of standing to sing for 40 minutes to an ancient Jew words he would find awkward writing in a card to his girlfriend! You know the songs I mean.

And as a rule, maybe your worship leaders (if they are guys) should be the sorts who remind you of Johnny Cash rather than Art Garfunkel!

Community

Community is an increasingly trendy theme in much western culture, and good thing too, as it's biblical. But again, we need to constantly rescue it from pagan (and often effeminate) distortions. Without essential Bible concepts such as accountability, protection, discipline, and leadership, the concept becomes soupy enough to mean whatever you want it to. And this, again, is what leaves men unreached.

The images we tend to celebrate when considering community (certainly in western culture) are family (which also means a lot of things), belonging, compassion, care, and thoughtfulness. Obviously, these are noble and biblical ideas. But on their own, they create an unbalanced environment, and they will not appeal to guys who see other values in community, such as order, camaraderie, mission, teamwork, and brotherhood.

This came home to me forcefully in a meeting where someone had brought up the need for people to find a place in God's family. There was nothing erroneous said, but it left me concerned for any visiting blokes whose preconceptions of sentimental church were now confirmed. Before getting up to preach I was thinking, "Guys hear ‘family' as such a weak and syrupy word," and I felt God say to me, "Not if they have just watched The Godfather."

When we talk about family, community, and being a people, do we leave out the bits about protecting each other (especially the weak), snatching each other from sin, or speaking the plain truth in love? These and many other biblical expressions of community must come back into our language and practice if we want any hope winning a world of men.

Guys don't want to be in a "caring community," but in a "band of brothers." This never fails to bring the best out of them. Max Hastings, in his book about D-Day, states that allied soldiers who survived never recovered the sense of belonging to a fighting force. Their existence really meant something in Normandy. Many felt they were alive for the first time and after the war, craved a return to it despite the danger, never feeling part of a cause again.

Well, I have a cause.

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I ended my last post with the following bold suggestion: we have created church environments that are effeminate-positively off-putting for most real guys. Let me look at a few ways in which we have allowed this state of affairs and then propose some moderate steps of improvement (though the real men will despise my moderation; here's hoping anyway).

Corporate Prayer

Do you have a church prayer meeting? Who comes? Are there lots of men? Would you go if you weren't the leader? Often these are attended by women (whose husbands "sent" them), a few faithful men, and a handful of "eccentrics." I am extremely glad for all the women attending our weekly prayer meetings, but I am haunted by Paul's words: "I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarrelling." (1 Timothy 2:8)

A robust prayer meeting is a place to see true masculinity on display. If that seems unlikely go back and read Acts. In fact, I was so eager to aim for this that when it came to launching our Saturday morning prayer meeting a couple of years back, I started with just men. I wanted a manly meeting, so I handpicked some blokes to join me each week at eight o'clock in the morning-about 25 to start with.

For a while it grew unofficially under the radar, like a Gnostic cult (except the pastor was running it). I'd have guys in their twenties trembling and whispering the request, "I have heard about this prayer meeting. Do you, ahem, mind if I join?" I'd say, "Who told YOU about it?!" It felt like the movie Fight Club where the one rule is, "No one talks about Fight Club." Some called the meeting "Prayer Club!"

It was perfect: a testosterone-fuelled and Holy Spirit-filled set up for the weekend, and when we got the momentum we wanted, we knew we were ready to invite the whole church. Now, I am usually confident that guys will take a strong lead, praying for the gospel to be successful every week in our city (we barely ever get knocked off this focus). And if key guys are not vocal, they get mercilessly picked on afterwards!

Intentionally gather guys to seek God. They will rise to it, and the church will follow.

Preaching

Dr D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones was asked publicly why the churches of his day had so few young men in the pews. He instantly shot back, "Because there are so many old women in the pulpits." Preaching should either send men away angry or turn them in heartfelt repentance. The one thing it must not do, but too often does, is dull them.

Jesus gathered men by preaching straight, and so did Chrysostom, Luther, Wesley, Spurgeon, Moody, and Billy Graham. If you want to reach men, follow their example and preach boldly. Men get nauseated by preachers who apologize for every point they make, sharing platitudes and leaving sinful get-out clauses for every application. My favourite encouragements come from guys who spend the first two-thirds of the sermon wanting to hurt me, and then come to repentance before the day is over. It means a great deal more than, "That was a nice talk."

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What we lack is a biblical image of redeemed masculinity that attracts, inspires, galvanizes, and steadies fellows into fruitful manliness. The place to start is Jesus, but even here we need to remove some cobwebs. Many aspects of his personality are obscured in popular perception by his safer, more sympathetic qualities.

Pagan men in my city are surprised to find out that Jesus spent a lot of his time ignoring protocol, defending the weak, electrifying multitudes with his words, upsetting hypocrites, speaking the blunt truth to politicians, giving his best friends nicknames (including "Satan" on one occasion), and getting very angry.

Culture Shapers, Leaders, and Warriors

Here I am only unfolding the idea of masculinity launched in the Bible's opening pages. Adam, from day one, was soberly called to a life of industry, responsibility and, when necessary, conflict (Genesis 2:16-17). In fact, it was his sheer unwillingness to engage in conflict (with the serpent in Genesis 3) that led to his ultimate failure.

The fact is that men are the principle—though not exclusive—culture makers. Statistics prove that if you win a man to Christ, his wife and children are many times more likely to follow than if the woman is converted first. Of course we want to see women and children saved, but I'm saying that we will reach them too by aiming for men.

The three core callings of culture shaper, leader and warrior, while not only held by men, are certainly weighted towards them. And it is the Bible, and the worldview it teaches, which provides this dignifying and inspiring identity for men—an identity only attainable by virtue of creation in God's likeness and redemption in Christ through sheer scandalous grace. Guys will work at, lead and fight for whatever the church does; it's only through the gospel we preach that these God-given and sin-tarnished characteristics can be deployed rightly.

So how has the worldview, with the most tantalizing and rewarding design for manhood, managed to alienate men so successfully in our day? Wherever have we gone wrong? I tentatively suggest (and I may need to be less tentative and more manly) that we have created church environments that are effeminate—positively off-putting for most real guys.

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Would you like Barack Obama on your kid's work rota? OK, maybe someone with his leadership gift and—assuming he loves Jesus—you'd be pleased, right? Not a man to let go lightly. Well, a former US President (and a legendary one) was let go. Why? As a young man Theodore Roosevelt, serving in a Sunday school, noticed a boy arriving with a black eye. When Roosevelt asked, the boy explained with embarrassment that another boy had pinched his sister, so he'd taken a swing at him and gotten into a scrap. Roosevelt gave the kid a dollar and a pat on the back. The future president was quietly removed that week.

I reckon there's a parable for us, and by "us" I mean the contemporary church. There is an expression of masculinity—an aggression, protectiveness, and a sense of injustice—which is primal in all men. I even see this in my boys. (The youngest seems to have come out of the womb yelling "charge!") Sure it has been horridly distorted in all men by the fall, but it's there.

The Choices

Men are wired with instincts, and it seems we have three choices:

• Abdicate indiscriminately to these instincts. This option leads to ungodly, ill-disciplined, boastful masculinity (chauvinism).
• Exclude them. The second leads to what we have had for centuries: churches that can't cope with men who reward boys for fighting for their sisters. (Churches which, in the words of Leon Podles, are "women's clubs with a few male officers." The husbands stay home or get dragged along, and look glazed till they hear the golden words, "We'll close the meeting there.")
• Redeem and channel them. The third option is the most difficult and the least fashionable, but it's also the most biblical and the most promising when it comes to getting the world changed for good.

One Saturday afternoon, I sat in my car outside a football ground (soccer field) in my city as it emptied. As thousands of young blokes spilled onto the pavements, I imagined the force for God unleashed in Brighton should the vigor, comradeship, belligerence, and strength before me be put to use for Jesus' kingdom! What would have to change for us to harvest and harness this multitude? Probably quite a lot (the next Teddy Roosevelt would get to keep his job, for example). Is it worth that price?

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