1. Downplay the law of God and his grace. Tell people God is not that angry about cosmic treason, and grace isn't that amazing.

2. Don't mention God the Father, the Son, or the Holy Spirit. Assume that people already know enough about them.

3. "The Little Engine That Could" should be the foundation of your theology. 

4. Remember that God is passive, so you better be really active... or else.

5. Remember, no other Christians get it right except for your tribe, of which you should be chief.

6. Only use Scripture as a proof-text—don't actually teach it.

7. Hell is real, but don't let that concern you or your hearers and readers. It's more important to have a good theology of evangelism than to actually tell others about Jesus, his cross, and his resurrection.

8. Talk about technique a lot, because techniques are concrete. Miracles like regeneration, God turning haters into lovers, and the fruit of the Spirit are too abstract to be helpful.

9. Guilt is a great motivator. Use it wisely.

10. In their sanctification, people should fake it till they make it. Tell them how.

11. Be condescending. Make sure your theology is un-gracious in content and tone.

12. People really want Good Advice instead of Good News, so be a people-pleaser and only give lots of advice.

Editor's note: Here are a few past Resurgence posts that don't follow these 12 steps:

• What It Means To Be Truly Reformed
• Grace vs. Sin series
• The Gospel Changes Everything
• How To Read the Bible
• The Early Church Killed Jesus
• How We Can Image God Through Suffering
• Paul's Downward Trajectory