Sellout

According to Wikipedia, "'Selling out' refers to the compromising of one's integrity, morality and principles in exchange for money, 'success' or personal gain." I was completely sold out. Not for Jesus, but for music. Not because I actually made money or had much actual success in the biz, but because indie rock seemed to have this ominous "saving ability." The culture. The cred. The freedom of playing music on my own terms. All of these things I wrongly believed would save me from living a meaningless life, working in a depressing career field, or having to do anything that wasn’t fun. The sad truth is that though God had truly saved me at 18, I continued to pursue my salvation through music, and lived a life devoted to that belief for years afterward.

Jamming for the Lamb (on the side)

The first Sunday I came to Mars Hill I walked up, handed Pastor Mark my band’s CD, and began playing in one of the church’s bands shortly thereafter. Meanwhile, my secular band began to get some recognition. We were on a local label, opening for their most prominent artist on a tour across North America. It seemed like things were on their way up: we were recording our first full-length album and getting a great response from the people at the shows. The false gospel of music was bearing fruit.

Cutting the Chord

Then at some point—maybe it was when we were stranded on the side of the road in central Idaho with no water and 115º heat—my belief in the gospel of music began to wane. I thank God that he used many situations like this to show me that no lasting hope or sustenance could ever be found in something other than him. Everything I had built my life on was worthless in light of the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus (Phil 3:8), but the question in my mind was, “what does it look like for music to be redeemed?” After several years, I began to see that the problem of sin wasn’t in the guitar or on the stage—it was in my heart.

Not My Terms, His

Once the light switch had gone on, I had a newfound desire to lead God’s people and understand the connection between him, music, and us. What a powerful tool if used for his purposes and glory, not mine! Here's a line from my song ‘Led to the Slaughter’:

“May we not seek false saviors in worthless things / collapse our knees beneath us, you are our King!”

I worshiped music. Now I worship God.